January

I wish what had happened had never happened.
But there isn’t a family on the planet that will evade catastrophe or disaster.
Out of these unexpected breaks, there will be new opportunities for creativity.

Small brown face, large white space.

I am a brown psychotherapist. I say this because my difference in the profession still feels relevant. I am a very small minority. As a Women of colour I claim this singular identity as indicative of commonality, distinctiveness, and community within the profession. In terms of visibility, the body of the “therapist of colour” is comprised of an amalgamation of all the various identities, mixed into one self. As such there is an implied responsibility to present as a singular representation of all the the claimed communities covered by that label in a professional capacity:

Gender, as well as identity can be a powerful determinant of experience in professional, racial, and ethnic contexts. Beyond any societal categorisations based solely on the physiology of the body, gender affects how we interact with, and are perceived by the groups and environments we inhabit. With regard to the notion of perception, more specifically how one sees and is seen, is defined in multiple philosophical theories of the self. How we understand our individual identity in is part formed in how we are recognised by others and the hooks such recognitions are based on. The absence of appropriate recognition, or even misrecognition is harmful in so many ways, both unconscious and in the conscious way we interact. It will undoubtedly affect how we form our identities in a professional environment.

Social constructs of gender are ever present at work. The hegemonic nature of higher education spaces forces those of different races and cultures to negotiate and compromise identity in order to ‘fit in’. Bodily misrecognition enriches the feminist reading of multidimensional identities. “Bodily misrecognition,” refers to the perceptions of others about the ways in which women of colour interact in the classroom. Bodily misrecognition occurs when women of colour enter hegemonic academic spaces where inaccurate perceptions about them based on racial and gendered stereotypes are prevailing and inescapable. This leads to a need to manage the body, both physically and behaviorally, in order to come to some kind of mutual acceptance of their authority in a room with their peers. All of this leads to a sense of feeling alien and inauthentic. Developing false selves to cope with the difficulty. The phenomenon of body management appears and is interrogated ubiquitously in feminist literature as a negotiation with male-oriented approaches, but further thought needs to be given to how it affects other forms of difference as they present in academic settings.

“Father, Mother, and Me/
Sister and Auntie Say/
All the people like us are We/
And everyone else is They.”
— Rudyard Kipling

The benefit of not knowing.

Most therapies call for the client to ‘transcend their ego’ in some manner. The psychoanalytic schools also invite the therapist to transcend their own knowings by inviting them to embrace a ‘not knowing’ stance

The not-knowing stance is not a denial of the therapist’s knowledge but a bracketing of its certainty; it is a respectful tentativeness that assumes that the client, and not the therapist, is the foremost expert on their own life. The therapist is free to bring their thoughts and ideas to the conversation but always offers such comments as food for thought.

The not-knowing position entails a general attitude or stance in which the therapist’s actions communicate an abundant, genuine curiosity.  That is, the therapist’s actions and attitudes express a need to know more about what has been said, rather than convey preconceived opinions and expectations about the client, problem, or what must be changed.

This comes in contrast to the social and cultural pressure to pursue certainty at the cost of our sense of self and personal growth. The desire for certainty can feel like a dangerous addiction. Like alcohol, it may make us feel safe, but it is also creates a form of numbness, and detachment from our environments.

Few notions have become as deeply embedded in our culture as the belief that there is a perfect certainty to be had – and the desire to have it. This can prove to be tricky in the not knowing space we might try to explore in therapy – but siting with our thoughts in a non judgmental space can allow us to find a more authentic form of thought and the freedom to be ourselves without the constraints we may have enforced on our lives.

Deseriderata – Words for Life.

Words for Life.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann.

Christmas on the Edge.

Christmas sets the centre on the edge;
The edge of town, the outhouse of the inn,
The fringe of empire, far from privilege
And power, on the edge and outer spin
Of turning worlds, a margin of small stars
That edge a galaxy itself light years
From some unguessed at cosmic origin.
Christmas sets the centre at the edge.

And from this day our world is re-aligned
A tiny seed unfolding in the womb
Becomes the source from which we all unfold
And flower into being. We are healed,
The end begins, the tomb becomes a womb,
For now in him all things are re-aligned.

Malcolm Guite

Clothing to hide behind

Have you ever felt – like not wanting to be you, unlike you. Not that you wanted to shrink or hide behind things, people objects and become invisible, but rather to not be there, to feel invisible, to wield yourself differently in order to see what was around you and might bring itself forward, what would be willing to show itself or be found.

The Addicts Shame

Addiction is a disease that not only affects the physical body, but also crushes the soul. Feeding the disease requires a preoccupation with obtaining and consuming substances. This is often accompanied by deceitful and irresponsible behavior, taking a toll on relationships, family commitments and careers. It is easy to blame the individual for bad behavior – lying, cheating and stealing, as well as angry outbursts – rather than putting the focus on the disease that creates those behaviors. The addicted person is generally not proud of those behaviors. Being shunned by family, friends and society only contributes to greater shame and self-blame.

It is difficult to have compassion for people when presumed poor character is confused with the disease characteristics that undermine it. Compounding this is the common belief that people choose to become addicted, based on weakness, lack of will power and poor judgment. Again, looking beyond myth, science informs us that there is a genetic predisposition for addiction, as well as a range of environmental factors, especially those that occur in early childhood.

Feelings of shame that are become normal to the addict have shown to have a detrimental effect to chances of recovery. Research has consistently demonstrated that whilst guilt can have a positive association with self-forgiveness, shame negatively associated the capacity for self-forgiveness.

Overpowering negative emotions can derail efforts at achieving sobriety. A few therapy-informed techniques can help you stay on course. Many of our feelings are simple reactions to specific events that we perceive as pleasant or unpleasant. After the event is over, the related feeling usually fades away. We can easily see that our emotions are fleeting and impermanent.

Shame does not work this way. The hallmark of shame is a constant awareness of our defects. Without realising it, we become continual victims of shame-based thinking. Every day, we focus on our failures. Every day, we re-convince ourselves that we are defective. Our thoughts become riddled with judgment, regret, and images of impending failure.

There are many thoughts that therapy can bring up to help challenge our internal feelings of shame, judgement and abandonment. When working through specific areas of our lives we may be asked to question our negative thoughts and replace them with more accurate reflections of the self.

Is this thought really true?
How do I know it’s true?
What is the evidence for this thought?
What is the evidence against this thought?
Can I think of any times when this thought has not been true?
Is this thought helping me or hurting me?
What could I do if I let go of this thought?
What’s the worst that could happen if I let go of this thought? Can I live with that?

Working with a therapist who is committed to understanding and promoting recovery can create shifts in the way we regard addiction. Understanding that we need to take fault out of an addicts life and replace it with responsibility can mark a positive step in this direction.

A delight in the misery of others?

We are not always the most noble of creatures. Although we should feel sympathetic when seeing others suffer, we sometimes feel pleased. The German word schadenfreude describes this malicious pleasure. Meaning literally harm joy.

Nietzsche (1887/1967) argued that those who are threatened by the possibility of their own inferiority have “a desire to deaden pain by means of affect” . So, feeling pleasure at another’s misfortune can act as an “imaginary revenge” against the threat of inferiority. In essence, Nietzsche suggested that the affective pleasure of schadenfreude is a way in which in-groups can compensate for a status inferiority that threatens their self-worth.

This common, yet poorly understood, emotion may provide a valuable window into the darker side of humanity. Schadenfreude seems to comprise of three separable but interrelated feelings — aggression, rivalry and justice.

Dehumanization is the process of perceiving a person or social group as lacking the attributes that define what it means to be human. It can range from subtle forms, such as assuming that someone from another ethnic group does not feel the full range of emotions as one’s in-group members do, to more blatant and extreme forms of expression.

There is no agreed definition of schadenfreude. Since ancient times, some scholars have condemned schadenfreude as malicious, while others have perceived it as morally neutral or even virtuous. Schadenfreude is an uncanny emotion that is difficult to assimilate. It can make you feel odd to experience pleasure when hearing about bad things happening to someone else.

Psychologists view schadenfreude through the lens of three theories. Envy theory focuses on a concern for self-evaluation, and a lessening of painful feelings when someone perceived as enviable gets put down. Deservingness theory links schadenfreude to a concern for social justice and the feeling that someone dealt a misfortune received what was coming to them. Intergroup-conflict theory concerns social identity and the schadenfreude experienced after the defeat of members of a rival group, such as during sporting or political competitions.

What pulls people away from schadenfreude is the ability to feel empathy for others and to perceive them as fully human and to care for them. Ordinary people may temporarily lose empathy for others. But those with certain personality disorders and associated traits, such as psychopathy, narcissism or sadism are either less able or less motivated to put themselves in the shoes of others.

A little known and understood emotion, Schadenfreude is something we can possibly all uncomfortably relate to.