When bullies hide in plain sight.

In our minds, the figure of a bully is often crude and obvious—someone who pushes their way through life with overt aggression, unmistakably hostile and unkind. But reality often paints a more complex, troubling picture. Many bullies don’t operate in this glaringly visible way. Instead, they slip into the background, camouflaging their manipulations and emotional harm under the guise of high moral standing and polished ethical personas.
This dynamic is especially insidious because it relies on one of our deepest human instincts—the desire to trust and follow those who appear virtuous. We naturally assume that someone who claims to be ethical must be acting in good faith. And yet, this can be the very cloak behind which some of the most toxic forms of bullying are concealed.
Nowhere is this more evident than in the therapy world.
Therapists, by the very nature of their profession, project an aura of deep care, responsibility, and moral wisdom. After all, these are individuals we entrust with our most vulnerable thoughts and experiences. We want to believe in their goodness because, in a sense, our healing depends on it. And yet, even in this supposedly safe and sacred space, the potential for subtle emotional manipulation and harm exists.
With the growing number of therapeutic modalities—each with its own complex jargon, certifications, and supposed benefits—the therapeutic landscape has become more cluttered and confusing. Anyone with a polished website and well-chosen credentials can appear to be an authority in mental health. Yet, not all therapists, despite their appearance of competence, are equally trustworthy or beneficial.
Some may project an air of superiority, rigid in their views, convinced that their method is the only “correct” way of doing things. Others may subtly undermine their clients, positioning themselves as morally or intellectually superior. This can leave a client feeling diminished, doubting their own instincts, or feeling perpetually at fault for not “progressing” in their therapy as expected.
The key danger here is that the harm isn’t obvious. In fact, many clients may continue to attend sessions for years without realizing the subtle emotional bullying at play. The therapist hides behind the mask of authority, and the client, seeking help, may unknowingly submit to an unhealthy dynamic, feeling at fault for not improving.
Choosing a therapist, then, is more than just selecting someone with impressive training and credentials. It’s about assessing the subtle relational dynamics. Does the therapist foster genuine empathy, or do they quietly push their own agenda? Do they maintain humility, or do they position themselves as having all the answers? And most importantly, do they empower their clients or leave them feeling smaller and more dependent?
As therapy seekers, we must sharpen our ability to see beyond appearances. Credentials matter, but so does the feeling of being seen and heard, of working with someone who recognizes our autonomy and fosters genuine growth.
In a world where bullies can hide in plain sight, it is a radical act of self-care to choose relationships—therapeutic or otherwise—that genuinely uplift rather than subtly diminish. True healing, after all, can only happen in the presence of deep trust and authenticity.

https://aeon.co/essays/my-dismal-years-in-psychoanalysis-with-melanie-kleins-disciple

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